Something So Beautiful
by JediKnightBalthasar
Summary: One interpretation of the lives of the sons of Elrond. *Full sumary inside* Some slash. characters: Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond, Celebrian, Arwen, Estel (aragorn)
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Author's note: This chapter mostly features Elrohir, but Elladan will be in the story more later.  
  
Summary: In the lives of Elladan and Elrohir, there have been many fleeting presences: their mother gone to the Undying lands, Estel who was doomed to die, and Arwen who spent years in Lothlorien. Yet they have always had each other, and that was enough. Chronicles the life of the twins of Imladris. Main characters: Elrohir, Elladan. Side characters: Elrond, Estel, Arwen, Celebrian.  
  
*****Prologue*****  
  
"Naneth, how come people get married?"  
  
Celebrian looked down at her young son and smiled. "People get married when they fall in love, Elrohir," she replied with a wistful smile. The boy's face smoothed over, just moments before wrinkled in deep concentration. Celebrian figured Elrohir had been pondering this for three days, for when Elrohir wondered about something his face always contorted, forehead creased and eyes half-open. Once he had drawn his own conclusions he would ask someone, but never before.  
  
Elladan, twin brother to Elrohir, was just the opposite. He would blurt out a question or thought as soon as it came into his head, regardless of how inopportune a time it might be. It was often funny when the child would ask a completely random question, or state some unrelated fact, at an important political function or some such thing.  
  
Yet there were times when even Celebrian had trouble telling the boys apart. Both were within a quarter-inch of the same height, both had long dark hair, and both had fair skin. On some occasions the one of the two had gotten caught at some mischief and run off, and their parents were so unsure of which had done the act that they did not know which to punish. On such occasions, neither boy was in any trouble at all, unless one confessed (neither ever had).  
  
Elrohir's face wrinkled again. "Then do you love Ada, Naneth?" he asked his mother.  
  
"Of course I love your Ada, Elrohir, and I always will." Celebrian hung laundry out to dry as she answered her son's questions. The sun shone and the sky was clear blue, as near to perfect as a day could be.  
  
"But you still love me and Elladan, right? And the new baby?" Elrohir asked worriedly.  
  
"Yes, Elrohir." Celebrian looked wistfully at her stomach. She had only just begun to show signs of a growing child within her, yet somehow Elrohir had already taken an interest in his little sibling--whom he was sure would be a girl. She smiled as she placed a hand on her growing belly.  
  
"But Ada says it's wrong for a woman to love two men." The boy didn't understand. How could his mother love him and his brother, and his ada, but not be doing anything wrong?  
  
"Well, dear, it's quite different then that!" Celebrian wondered how to explain this to a child. She set down her basket of laundry as she thought. "When a woman marries a man, it is because they are in love. Yet the love she feels for her family--children or parents, for example--is a different kind of love. It is something deeper, something that runs and pulses with her blood. Understand?"  
  
"I. . .I think I do. Then is it all right for me to love Elladan? Or is it wrong?"  
  
"It is fine," Celebrian answered, once again hanging laundry.  
  
"Because Ada said that it's unnatural for two men to love each other."  
  
"Well, I don't think he meant two brothers when he said that, Elrohir," Celebrian responded with a laugh.  
  
"Then. . .then what did he mean, Naneth? I don't understand this!" he sighed in frustration. Celebrian knew there was no putting this off. If she didn't tell Elrohir then and there, he would ask Elrond, and the one thing he could not explain calmly was homosexuality. Celebrian set her basket of laundry on the ground and sat next to it, drawing her son close to her.  
  
"Sometimes, and usually, men love women and women love men. But there are some people, some men who love men and some women who love women. Those people, there are some vulgar names for them, and some of those names can be very hurtful and offensive, even to people who are not like that."  
  
"What's the right name for them?"  
  
"Homosexuals," Celebrian answered. "But even when some people say that word, the tone makes it offensive. Do you understand this, Elrohir?"  
  
"Yes, Naneth," he answered. "Those bad names--I've heard them, I think. Ada says them, doesn't he?"  
  
"Yes, Elrohir. I'm afraid he does."  
  
*****  
  
Elrohir could not sleep that night. He was still very young, and he had encountered many new ideas that day. As is the way with many children, he had always seen his parents, and his Ada in particular, as infallible. Yet what Celebrian had told him would make Elrond wrong. In that case, surely she could not be right. What then? If his Naneth was right, his Ada was wrong.  
  
"Who's right then?" Elrohir asked the darkness. Could they both be wrong? But if they were both wrong, who was right? Many hours the boy thought about this, and many hours his thoughts went in circles. Finally he decided he would have to ask. But who? Since Celebrian knew the issue, she could not give an honest answer. He would have to ask Elrond. But how to ask without stating the issue? Would that mean lying?  
  
Never in his life had Elrohir's morality been so tested. Should he lie? If he didn't, could he get an honest answer? Was it possible for two opposite statements both to be right? Could he parents both be wrong? One thing was for sure: Elrohir had began to grow up.  
  
*****  
  
"Ada. . .if two people say two things, but they both say different things, then which person is right?" Elrohir shifted uncomfortably. What if his Ada knew what he meant? Would he be in trouble? Would the answer be true?  
  
"It depends. If they are stating opinions, they are both correct. There is no such thing as a wrong opinion. However, if they are stating facts, well, it really depends on what the truth of the matter is. Why do you ask?" Elrond inquired, already having a suspicion.  
  
"Naneth said. . .she said people don't always agree. No other reason, just that. Thanks for helping me understand," Elrohir said, and he dashed out of the room. He didn't stop running until he was outside and in the forested area that surround Rivendell. Once he was sure he had left his parents far behind, he stopped running and cried.  
  
Nothing made sense anymore.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Second note: Yes, Elladan and Elrohir are lovers in this story. If you want to flame, kindly reformat the flame to be a constructive criticism review. That way, I'll listen to you and think about what you say. 


	2. Here Comes The Sun

Kawaii Blue Bear: That was just the prologue. It will not have anything to do with anything for a while, but when that bit does come into play, the rest of will be explained.  
  
Supernovacide: Thanks! Join the club--I also wonder where this story will go.  
  
Reviewer who left the little name box blank: I meant to say not slash yet. Anyway, nothing slashy happens for a while.  
  
Pink Martini: Really? I thought it was cliché. Since Celebrian is pregnant with Arwen, Elrohir and Elladan are one hundred and eleven years old. Heh heh, eleventy-one. It's all in Tolkien's writings, the years everyone was born and all that. It's partial slash, and I listed the story as romance for later chapters, but it will not be focusing on the slash, at least not for a while. I don't know where it's going, either!  
  
Smeagol: Right, to each his own. OR her own, for that matter. Or to Jacob Jacob's own. I really do need to shut up about that. Anyway, as for what happened to Celebrian I will be writing about that later. Yes, Arwen is going to be born--I don't think Elves have C-sections.  
  
*****  
  
"Elladan. Elladan." Elrohir gently shook his brother's shoulder. He knelt, poised, over the sleeping form of Elladan. When Elladan remained sleeping but to moan and draw the covers over his head, Elrohir sighed and climbed down off the bed. He slid out of the room, gently closing the door behind him, and padded down the corridor. He had awoken to a strange feeling, almost some sort of warning. Now he wondered wherefore and where from this feeling had come to him.  
  
Elrohir was heading towards his parents' room when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Elrohir? How come you woke me up?" It was Elladan. His hair stood up in random places and his hands hung limply at his sides. Clutched in his hand was a small bear-like doll, which he had had since early childhood and, though he was a bit old for it, still clutched it to his chest in sleep. His bleary eyes blinked. It was easy enough to see that he had just woken up from a deep slumber. "Are you all right? Are Ada and Naneth all right?"  
  
"That's the problem. I do not know. I awoke to a feeling, a sort of premonition, perhaps. I just do not know why, exactly." His brother nodded to this sloppy explanation. It was clear from his eyes that he wanted to go back to sleep. "It's all right, I can investigate on my own. It was probably just a bad dream."  
  
"No, 'Rohi, I do not think so. I shall stay with you until we find the answers to your riddle," answered Elladan. He shook the sleep from his face, then slipped his hand into his brother's. Elrohir clasped his fingers around Elladan's hand, not voicing how touched he was that his brother would stay by his side through such childish worry.  
  
Together, the two sought their parents. Naturally, the first place to look was their bedroom. Elladan knocked lightly on the door. When no one answered, he raised his hand to knock again. "Wait," Elrohir said. "Listen." Elladan did. Neither could make out what they were hearing, until a baby's cry pierced all. The boys looked at each other in expressions of shocked delight and wonder.  
  
"The new baby," Elladan said. "Do you think it's a girl or a boy?"  
  
"It's a girl," Elrohir stated, smiling. "I know it's a girl. I've known all along, haven't I?"  
  
"We don't know yet," Elladan protested indignantly. "Even Naneth didn't know, though she probably does now. By the Valar, will that child not stop crying?" He raised his hands to cover his ears, as if emphasizing his point. The shrill cries soon stopped, and the twins heard their parents speaking in hushed voices.  
  
"We should go, and give them privacy," Elrohir said.  
  
"Listen, 'Rohi. She's cooing. I think you were right. It is a girl. She sounds so sweet." Elladan pressed his ear the to keyhole of the door. Elrohir listened carefully, and he, too heard the soft coos of the baby. "Do you suppose, if we knocked, we could meet her?"  
  
"We should wait," Elrohir decided, "and give them some time alone." Elladan consented, though some-what against his will, and the two slipped back down the corridor to their rooms.  
  
*****  
  
"What's her name, Ada?" Elrond had hardly sat down when Elladan asked the question in a voice so enthusiastic it was hard to imagine he had lost any sleep the night before. The two had not yet been told that they had a new sibling, in fact the three were sitting down to eat breakfast when Elladan's patience wore out.  
  
"Elladan!" Elrohir exclaimed. They had not told their parents yet of their 'expedition' the night before.  
  
"Sorry, Elrohir," Elladan said, realizing his mistake. "But. . .what's her name?"  
  
"Seeing as you two already seem to know the news of your younger sister, her name is Arwen," Elrond said, close to laughing at the two.  
  
"That's a good name," Elrohir said, nodding softly. "But where's Naneth? Is she all right?"  
  
"Your mother is just fine, Elrohir. She is resting now."  
  
"When do we get to meet Arwen?" Elladan inquired.  
  
"Arwen is very little, Elladan, and it may not be safe for the two of you to meet her just yet. Do not worry, you will eventually." Many such questions, slightly changed but overall redundant, were asked and answered before Elrond insisted that the boys simply wait, for everything would be explain in its own time.  
  
*****  
  
Elladan and Elrohir, after even more continual questioning, had finally been shooed out of doors for the afternoon. For a while the two managed to amuse themselves, running about, climbing trees and the like as young Elves will. They tried not to talk about Arwen, though both could think of little else, so they spoke very little.  
  
"One hundred and eleven years is not long enough to be patient enough to wait like this!" Elladan exclaimed, gliding gently to the ground from his perch on a tree limb. Elrohir leapt to the spot his brother had abandoned, then swung to the ground himself. "I want to see her. Don't you?"  
  
"Yes. Maybe we could," Elrohir said thoughtfully. It was usually Elladan who got into trouble, always looking for a bit of fun. On days when he had nothing else to do Elladan thought up elaborate tricks that would drive their Ada to madness. The gleam so often seen in his eye was now mirrored in that of his brother. "Sometime, when Ada and Naneth are not watching over her like night hawks, perhaps we could just sneak a look at her. Just to say hello."  
  
"What if we got caught, 'Rohi?" Elladan asked. "This is not like the trouble I cause, this is our little sister. If something went wrong--"  
  
"Nothing could possibly go wrong. We would just sneak in, just look at her, so we would know her. I don't like not seeing her, it makes me worry. What if something's wrong with her, Elladan? What if she was born deformed and we are not allowed to see her because she is going to die?" Elrohir swallowed worries.  
  
"All right then," Elladan consented, "I will stand sentry for you, but you had better be quick."  
  
"I will," Elrohir promised, then he threw his arms around his brother's neck.  
  
"Yuck," Elladan said, removing Elrohir's arms, "don't get all mushy, brother."  
  
*****  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Now. Go!" Elrohir walked sideways through the door. He did not touch the wood, lest the door creak in opening. He held his breath as he turned quickly. Nothing seemed out of place, he knew well what his parents' room looked like, save the wooden crib in the corner of the room. On tip-toe, Elrohir crossed the room and peered into the crib. His breath caught in his throat.  
  
She wasn't deformed. She didn't look sick. In fact, she was nothing short of perfection. Elrohir had never seen so small of a being, never having seen a baby before. All of her was in proportion, yet she seemed so odd! Her tiny thumb rested in her mouth, framed by delicate lips. Her head seemed larger than usual, but not to any spectacular degree. Her skin was creamy and white, save the rosy patches on her cheeks. Her eyes were closed lightly. What little hair she had was black as a raven's feathers. "You're beautiful," he whispered in Sindarin, lightly stroking her cheek.  
  
Arwen's eyelids opened. Her young grey eyes fixed on Elrohir's. She seemed afraid for a moment, then she smiled and stretched one tiny baby hand up to Elrohir. "Wow."  
  
He reached out to her. Miniscule fingers wrapped around his thumb. Elrohir was surprised at Arwen's strong grip. She would not let him have his thumb back. Elrohir was beginning to worry. What if he had to get out and she would not let him have his thumb back? Arwen seemed to sense no apprehension, and she bubbled with laughter. "Okay, Arwen. Give me my finger back," Elrohir requested. Arwen did not comply.  
  
"Arwen!" Elrohir admonished. He tugged on his thumb. She tugged back, gurgling. "Stop that!" She only pulled his thumb closer to her. Elrohir didn't know what to do. At least he was all right for time.  
  
As if he had jinxed himself, Elladan called softly, "'Rohi, 'Rohi!" Elrohir had to get out now. He wasn't used to trouble as his brother was. The idea of it sent shivers down his spine. He pulled his finger back. Arwen refused to give over, making a noise that may well have been her way of saying 'Mine!' Out of options, Elrohir did what he would have done to get something from Elladan: he tickled her.  
  
For a moment Arwen stared at Elrohir. Her grey eyes were huge. Finally her grip on his finger loosened. She rolled over, laughing in her gurgly baby way. Elrohir ducked out, running into Elladan, who was so nervous he was almost dancing from foot to foot. "Come on, 'Rohi," Elladan whispered, grabbing Elrohir's hand and pulling him along. The two didn't stop running until they exploded into Elladan's room, shutting the door behind them.  
  
Elladan sprawled on the bed while Elrohir sat leaning against the wall. The two laughed at the near-catch for some time. "What was she like?" Elladan asked. He, too, wished for the chance to see his sister, but he did not so long for it as Elrohir did. Elladan could live without her image for another few days until has parents introduced him to her formally.  
  
"Tiny," Elrohir said, unsure of how to put it into words. "Her fingers were so small, she could only hold onto one of my fingers at a time. But she has strength. Her skin is pale, and her head is big." Elladan envisioned his sister with each detail Elrohir added, and at the part about her head he burst out laughing. "I think babies are supposed to look like that."  
  
"How do you know? You have never seen any."  
  
"Neither have you," Elrohir pointed out.  
  
"We can just ask Naneth. She might know."  
  
"Of course she will know, you silly Elf! She had us, didn't she?" The two continued like this for some time, while their parents wondered what in all Middle Earth could make a baby laugh so hard.  
  
*****  
  
"Elladan, this is your sister, Arwen," Celebrian said, holding the baby so the boy could see. Indeed, she had a large head.  
  
"Naneth, is her head supposed to be so huge?" Elladan asked. Celebrian laughed.  
  
"Yes, dear. Babies have large heads." Elladan was about to ask another question when a shout from Arwen interrupted him.  
  
"'Rohi!" Arwen cried. She had awoken, and spotted Elladan. She reached out to him with both of her baby hands, grasping empty air. "'Rohi, 'Rohi!" Elladan worried. What would Celebrian make of that?  
  
"She seems to want you to hold her. Would you like to?"  
  
"Yes," Elladan said. Celebrian showed him how to hold the baby properly, elevating her head. Finally she handed Elladan the girl. "She's sweet," he comment to his mother, not seeing Arwen reach up and grab a lock of his hair in her stone grip. "Hey! Now you give that back!" Arwen did not.  
  
"Arwen, dear, give Elladan his hair back," Celebrian said, gently prying her child's fingers open.  
  
"No! Mine!" Arwen said, grabbing the hair with her other hand, and Elladan laughed. He saw why his brother loved Arwen so much.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: Sorry to any of you who dislike Arwen, but the concept of baby siblings to children sort of fascinates me. She probably won't have much of a role as she grows older, though I assure you Estel will. . .heh, heh, heh. . .Or, who wants Arwen to have a bigger role? Who says to just get her out of there? 


	3. Act Naturally

Disclaimer: I do not own anything  
  
Rin: You can see it as being sick, that is your view, but I do not share it.  
  
Super Novacide: Okay, most seem to prefer Estel--well, you are the only one who answered. Anyway, Arwen will be in it for a while, but she won't have as major a role as I plan on giving to Estel. The title is, of course, a Beatles song.  
  
Kawaii Blue Bear: I don't think they did have cats in Middle Earth, though Tolkien mentioned hounds a few times. Either way, it wasn't so bad, nothing really happened.  
  
*****  
  
Elrohir stared at the swirling snow in the glass orb. Delicate red letters spelled out his name around it, and within was a small house in the woods. As the glittering snow came to a halt, he grasped the dome and turned it upside-down, then righted it. The snow started to fall again. "Elrohir," Elladan began bursting into the room.  
  
"Shh," Arwen admonished. "'Rohi's watching the snow." Arwen sat on the floor, watching her brother watch the snow. Arwen had not seen a real snow before, only light storms and icy freezes--never had a snowball-fight, never built a snow-Elf. She was still a child, and as all children are she was cute and tiny.  
  
"That's nice, Arwen," Elladan said, ruffling her hair. "But I would bet he would rather be out of doors in the real snow!" (hrive is Sindarin for winter) At this Elrohir's head shot up. Even Arwen doffed her indignant mood to listen. "That's right, both of you heard correctly. It's snowing out, real snow, and hard! Want to see it really snow, Arwen?"  
  
"Like in the hrive-globe?" she asked.  
  
"Just like it," Elrohir said, getting to his feet. "Do you know where your cloak is, Arwen? Snow is cold." After some time the twins ad managed to get Arwen and themselves into their cloaks and boots, and outside. The ground was covered in patches of white, and snow fell slowly. Elladan knelt and began scraping snow together. "I don't think there's enough snow for-- augh!" A snowball caught him in the jaw. "This means war!"  
  
In a matter of minutes the two were scraping up snow and tossing it at each other. Arwen, euphoric and fascinated with this mysterious white stuff, was just tossing any amount her small hands could hold at whichever brother was nearest. Snow whirled around them, falling faster and faster. In the confusion, a grumpy Elf walked outside--and was smacked in the face with a well-packed snowball.  
  
"'Ladan," Elrohir said, nudging his brother.  
  
"Huh?" Elladan asked, straightening up with a snowball in his hands. Seeing Glorfindel's face, the two broke into grins of fear and humor. "Frame Arwen," Elladan murmured.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Look how angry Glorfindel is," Elladan said. Glorfindel had taken on a purplish color now. "Run."  
  
"Good idea," Elrohir said, nearly petrified.  
  
*****  
  
"And just where have you two been?"  
  
"We were outside," Elrohir responded truthfully.  
  
"So you might happen to know why Glorfindel believes that your sister threw a snowball at him? Surely Arwen is too small to have thought up such a trick, and it was the two of you who promised to reserve the first snowball of every season for him."  
  
"That we did, Ada," Elladan agreed, "it was a complement, you see. The snow missile Arwen launched, however, had nothing to do with us. Despite our snowy, pink-cheeked appearance, we were not having a snowball fight but outside running a race." Elrohir nodded. Elrond looked from one son to the other, so sure it had been them who attacked Glorfindel.  
  
"All right," he finally agreed. "I know it was you, but Glorfindel didn't see so I can't prove anything. At least you two can agree on something, I just wish that thing weren't troublemaking!" The boys smiled identical smiles and hurried off.  
  
*****  
  
"I can't believe we got away with that!" exclaimed Elrohir.  
  
"I know," Elladan concurred, picking up the orb and swinging it by the red yarn at its peak. Elrohir didn't notice as he reveled in their clean get- away. Suddenly there was a shattering sound and Elrohir turned. Elladan's finger held the red string, and on the floor was a broken glass orb.  
  
"Elladan!" Elrohir cried, rushing over to the orb. He slowly turned over all the pieces, salvaging the unbroken base and the glass where Celebrian had written his name in her beautiful letters. Tears welled up in his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry, Elrohir. By the Valar, it was just an accident. I didn't mean it."  
  
"You stupid ass!" Elrohir yelled. "Why would you do that?"  
  
"What's going on? Who broke what?" Celebrian asked, having heard the glass shatter and come to investigate. Elrohir held up Elladan's orb, identical to his save the lettering.  
  
"It looked like this, only it had my name in red," Elrohir said, tracing Elladan's blue letters. "Elladan broke it."  
  
"Come on, 'Rohi, it was an accident!" Elladan protested.  
  
"Elladan. Your brother is very upset about this. Perhaps you have something to say to him?" Celebrian asked.  
  
"I already said it. I'm sorry, Elrohir, but it was an accident."  
  
Elrohir said nothing.  
  
"Elrohir?" Celebrian prompted.  
  
"Get out of my room," he said softly, "both of you." When they had left, he slid the fragmented glass and wooden base into the bottom drawer of his desk and slid shut the drawer. "Stay in their forever," he requested.  
  
*****  
  
"Elrohir? Come on, you can't stay mad at me forever!" Elladan called, knocking on Elrohir's door. "It was an accident, it could have happened to anyone." Elrohir did not respond, and Elladan walked away, dejected.  
  
That night Elladan couldn't sleep. He was walking the corridors when he noticed a light from beneath Elrohir's door. "'Rohi?" He lightly turned the doorknob and pushed forward. The door gave. Elrohir had lit a candle and set it on the windowsill. Outside snow fell, beautiful and innocent, blanketing the trees and ground. Elladan stepped up beside his brother. "May I ask your forgiveness?"  
  
"Granted," Elrohir murmured, not taking his eyes off the snow. "Isn't it romantic?"  
  
"Ada says two hundred and seven years is too young to know love," Elladan replied mournfully.  
  
"I want my first kiss to come at a moment like this," Elrohir said, gazing outward. Elladan began to feel a tingling sensation, not entirely foreign but foreign in such strength. "White virgin snow, full, pale moon, dark blue velvet sky. It's perfect. Ada's wrong about love. There is no age for it, only the proper timing." Elladan's body was on fire. "Elladan?"  
  
A great feeling pulsed through him as he leaned in, and put his lips to Elrohir's.  
  
In the light of the velvet sky and sickly pale moon, the twins of Imladris shared their first kiss.  
  
Images flashed through Elrohir's brain. "He didn't mean two brothers," Celebrian had said. It was all right to love Elladan. But in a different way, she had told him. Elrohir didn't know if what he was doing was right or if it was wrong. He wasn't sure how he felt about Elladan, and if he loved him only as a brother or if he loved him "that way". All he knew then was Elladan's soft lips on his.  
  
Elladan did not draw away from his brother's kiss. He felt a warmth, gentle and caressing, fill him. This was right, it felt right and good. In an instant he knew that no matter what their Ada said, something that felt this perfect could not be so terrible.  
  
*****  
  
It was Celebrian who witnessed the boys' kiss. She saw Elrohir's confusion, and immediately felt a swell of pity for the boy. She knew nothing would ever be simple for him again, he would live his life unsure. The next morning he would face Elrond and then have the dilemma of admissions. Now he did not even know what to make of the feeling inside, whether to push Elladan away or hold him closer. In Elladan, on the other hand, Celebrian saw a great rebellion rising. He would go farther than that, perhaps not with his brother but surely with another male Elf. He would go against his father, in the not too distant future, simply to go against his father. The two would clash.  
  
Arwen would learn, it would not be long. Would she, for herself, wish to know what it felt like? Would she perform experiments of her own? Would she be disgusted by her brothers? Would she tell someone, Elrond, perhaps? Her own confusion would be great.  
  
Surely, Celebrian thought, at that very moment her own mother gazed into her mirror, and saw the future and the present. Galadriel had it in her power to tear the two apart. She could very well take one twin to Lothlorien. For a moment Celebrian thought to contact her mother, ask how far the twins' relationship would develop, but she decided for the best to leave Galadriel out of it.  
  
The only thing Celebrian could not see was herself. Where would she be? Would she ever know what there was between her sons? Would she be there when their father found out? Would she be there when Arwen learned? In her mind, she could see dim shadows of all these things. None seemed right. With a sigh she turned and walked away.  
  
*****  
  
"Elrohir, are you ill?" Elrond asked. Elrohir had not looked into anyone's eyes, hardly even glancing at his brother, and hardly ate or spoke.  
  
"No," he answered in a quiet whisper, though he sounded unsure. Was he? He seemed to ask himself that question. Elladan held his head high, as if to tell Elrohir he didn't need to be ashamed. Why was Elrohir ashamed?  
  
"Is something wrong?"  
  
"No," he said again. His face burned.  
  
"Elrohir--" Arwen began, but Elrohir cut her off.  
  
"May I be excused?" he asked, and left the table without waiting for answer. Arwen looked after him.  
  
"I'll go talk to him," Celebrian said. "I think I know what's on his mind. He didn't mean any offense, Arwen, dear," Celebrian said, resting a hand on Arwen's shoulder before leaving the room.  
  
"Elrohir?" He sat on his bed in the dark, sniffing to hold back sobs.  
  
"Please go away," he told her.  
  
"I know what's wrong," Celebrian said, ignoring her son's request. "I saw it, last night."  
  
"Then you probably told Ada, and he's angry."  
  
"Your Ada has some ideas I do not agree with, Elrohir. It's all right for two people to feel that way about each other," Celebrian assured him. "When you think it's time, tell him, but first know exactly what you are telling him. Be sure of how you feel."  
  
"It felt right last night."  
  
"How does it feel today?" Celebrian asked gently.  
  
"When I remember last night, or I see Elladan, it feels good. When I see Ada, it feels wrong. I feel dirty all over," he sobbed, moving as if to clean his hands.  
  
"Love, Elrohir, should never make you dirty. No matter who you love, if it's true, then it's right. No matter who opposes it."  
  
"Thank you, Naneth," he whispered.  
  
"I'll always be here if you need me, Elrohir. Never feel ashamed to tell me things, for I will not judge you by them."  
  
*****  
  
Two weeks had passed since the boys kissed. Only three people knew about it. Elrohir was back to his old self around Elladan and Elrond again. The snow was no longer as perfect as it had been that night. The moon was changing. The stars shone bright in the clear sky. And across the Bruinen, orcs howled.  
  
"Elrohir?"  
  
"Oh, come on," Elrohir sighed, giving in to the unspoken request and throwing back the covers of his bed. "But quickly, it's freezing!" Elladan slid in beside him. The actions were not as lovers but as brothers. As the two settled in an orcs howled.  
  
"Did you hear that?" Elladan asked through chattering teeth.  
  
"Yes," Elrohir answered. "It sent a chill up my spine."  
  
"They cannot cross the Bruinen," Elladan consoled, curling closer to Elrohir. Elrohir moved away. Elladan did not reply, but his voice sounded different when he next spoke. "We are safe from orcs in Imladris."  
  
"Elladan, two weeks ago. . .what did you feel, afterwards?"  
  
"That I loved you." Elladan kissed Elrohir's neck. Elrohir shivered and drew even farther away, pressing himself against the wall. "I won't force you to do anything, Elrohir. But I felt that I loved you."  
  
"Not sickened? Not disgusted with yourself?"  
  
"No, not at all. I felt like I had done something that I had longed to do for a long time. Something," Elladan said in a low voice, "I would like to do again." Elrohir felt Elladan's breath on his neck. A part of him wanted it, wanted to go farther with Elladan. Yet a part of him resisted, and that part felt the bile rising in his throat. In an instant Elrohir had rolled into his brother's embrace. He wanted to be sick.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Um, sorry. If anyone actually read that, I'd appreciate your thoughts, I'm really unsure about how real that was or how well done. Anything, even if it's just a word of constructive criticism, is appreciated. 


	4. It's Only Love

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Author's note: This chapter is rather controversial, I would suppose, for some sexual content. If you don't like that, then don't read it. Don't flame me.  
  
Dream Catcher: Thanks for reading, I know you didn't want to.  
  
Darragh Tieranaeux: Thank you. The twins were supposed to be quite opposites, one so strong and stubborn and the other highly emotional. Seriously, thank you for reading.  
  
Hrefna: Wow! You liked it! Yay! Thanks! Sorry it took so long to get this one up. So there are cats in Middle Earth, thanks. Evil cats, it seems! Thanks again.  
  
"Something so beautiful it hurts deep inside,  
  
But I will love you till the day that I die."  
  
~Garbage  
  
*****  
  
Elladan's eyelids fluttered softly open. His brother, Elrohir, still lay in his arms. A smile played over Elladan's face. He knew he loved Elrohir, loved him the way their Ada was opposed to. That kind of love, he had always believed, was a strong thing, and always mutual. He did not understand Elrohir's tendency to draw away from him. It almost felt good, having a secret from their parents. All their lives they had kept small secrets, for example the time when Elladan wanted snow so badly he threw a ball of mud at Glorfindel. Elladan wanted to talk about all their secrets, but Elrohir looked so sweet and peaceful in his sleep that Elladan could not bear to wake him.  
  
"Hmm. . .Elladan! Why did you not wake me?" Elrohir practically jumped out of his brother's arms, sitting bolt upright. "How long have you been awake?"  
  
"Maybe an hour," Elladan answered lazily, sitting up himself. "I would have woken you, but you looked so serene I had not the heart," he explained, stretching his arms out.  
  
"Oh, Eru. . .oh, Eru, what have I done. . ." Elrohir muttered, rocking back and forth. It was not possible that he had done that, disobeyed his Ada and done the one thing that disgusted him beyond any conception. He wanted to peel off a layer of his own skin and be sick.  
  
"Elrohir, this is right." Elladan sat beside his twin. "How could anything feel so right and be so wrong?"  
  
"No, no I. . .it feels so wrong, though, Elladan," Elrohir argued, on the verge of tears.  
  
"When does it feel wrong?" Elladan asked gently. On a whim he reached out and tenderly caressed Elrohir's cheek. Elrohir did not pull away from him.  
  
"It never feel wrong around you, but. . .it feels so bad. . .so dirty. . .when I think about it."  
  
"You are not meant to think about it," Elladan said, "you live it." And he kissed Elrohir again, meaning every second of it. Elrohir was jolted with the shock of the kiss, then he felt the comfort of it, and he submitted. Elladan drew softly away. "Do you want to go further?" he asked quietly, suggestive but not pressing.  
  
Elrohir was for a second indecisive. It felt right around Elladan, but later it would not feel right. He let his heart think for him, with the feeling that it would rip free of his chest, and the feeling that it would ache if he said no. "Yes," he whispered, wondering what Elladan was going to do. Unsure of what to do himself, he awkwardly brought his lips to Elladan's.  
  
During the kiss Elrohir felt Elladan's hand on his chest, moving towards his leggings. Elrohir was unsure if he felt comfortable with what was going on. It was not so much what Elladan was doing as it was the feelings it brought out in Elrohir. He wanted it, he knew he did, that was certain now. His chest heaved with pleasure. The strange new feeling came from where Elladan's hand was reaching, and it was a feeling of longing and desire, long asleep now awakened ten times as strong. It was not a desire he could deny.  
  
Elrohir was surprised to realize that the moans of pleasure were really his own. Was what he was doing right? What if Ada found out? Should he stop now--"Don't think." It was Elladan's whisper through kisses. Elrohir stopped his thoughts and just lived, lived the moment.  
  
Elladan knew his lover had remembered to stop thinking, and he was glad. It was good, what they were doing, these feelings so strong as anything, strong than everything else together. His hand slipped inside Elrohir's leggings. This was it. This was final, farther than either one had ever been. It felt so good, like a giant bubble of pleasure welling up inside of Elladan.  
  
"Elrohir! Elladan!"  
  
The two quickly pushed away from each other. Elladan pulled his hand away, hoping it had gone unnoticed. Elrohir felt his happiness slip away from him, replaced by shame. Elladan felt only anger. "Ada. . ." Elrohir began.  
  
"Save it. You will stay in your rooms today, and think about what you have to say. I will see you both in my study, first thing tomorrow morning."  
  
Elladan's breath was heavy with anger. What right of his to break them apart? What arrogance to think himself strong than this, than love? He sat still, afraid of what he might do or say if he moved.  
  
"Elladan? Go to your room, now."  
  
He stood and walked out of the room, head held high. His steps never wavered in their pride. Elrohir wished he could feel so proud, so sure of anything. He heard Elladan's door slam, then his own door close. His head remained bowed so he would not have to see the look of disappointment and disgust on his Ada's face.  
  
*****  
  
Elrohir wanted to be like Elladan. He wanted undeterred confidence and such sureness of self. He wanted to sit in his room feeling angry and right. He did not want to sit in his room on his bed, staring at the wall, tears running down his cheeks and an ache in his stomach like he wanted to throw up.  
  
As the tears fell silently, Elrohir got to thinking about things. What about Arwen? What would his parents tell her? Would she understand? Even though she was annoying at times, Elrohir loved Arwen--brotherly love-- and he did not want her to look at him in disgust. Maybe she would understand, maybe it would all be all right after all.  
  
Maybe Ada would understand.  
  
*****  
  
Elladan was sitting on his bed also, fuming. He was in love, he knew it. No one had the right to take that away from him. No one would. "I will love him no matter what," Elladan pledged to himself, "no matter who is angered by it, no matter who scorns it. I love him and so be it ever."  
  
No tears, no regrets. Elladan stood and strode to the window, staring out at the white snow. Two figures were as well outside, one smaller and one bigger. They were laughing happily. Elladan watched as they played in the snow, his mother and his sister.  
  
*****  
  
Celebrian's sharp eye caught sight of Elladan watching her, a smile on his face, and she waved to him. He waved back. "Look, Arwen, there's Elladan. Aren't you going to wave to him?"  
  
"Good morrow, Elladan!" Arwen shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. She smiled and waved with her whole arm. Elladan laughed and waved back, calling something the two could not hear. Arwen scooped up some snow and hurled it at Elladan's window. It hit right in front of his face and he laughed, opening the window to clean off the snow.  
  
"Oh, Wennie, go bother Elrohir for a while!" Elladan called, employing one of Arwen's nicknames. She stuck out her tongue at him, but turned to Elrohir's window and called out his name. Elrohir came to the window, opening it slightly.  
  
"Good morrow, Elrohir!" Arwen called, again cupping her hands. Again she waved maniacally. Elrohir smiled sadly and waved back. "Come outside and play," she implored.  
  
"No, thank you," Elrohir replied, "but throw a few snowballs at Glorfindel for me!" Celebrian paused, seeing the confusion and sorrow in her son's eyes. She straightened and dropped the snow in her hands. Elrond knew, somehow. She was sure of it.  
  
"Arwen, let's go inside now," Celebrian said, shepherding the child towards the door.  
  
"But we just came out, Mother," Arwen protested.  
  
"I promise you can play outside later, all right?"  
  
"All right," Arwen agreed, running inside giddily. Nothing could ruin her moods, Celebrian thought with a smile. Arwen had been easier than the twins as a child, probably because there was only one of her. The twins had been in enough mischief for ten children. Celebrian's thoughts were cut short by Arwen's cry of, "Good morrow, Ada!" Her soft footsteps continued quickly, but Celebrian's topped entirely.  
  
"You know, then?" she asked.  
  
"You knew? You knew and you never told me that my sons were--were--" Elrond stuttered, unable to say it.  
  
"Of course I knew, they are my sons also. Why would I have told you?"  
  
"You would have--should have told me because they are my sons, and what I have just seen them doing is wrong."  
  
"They love each other, Elrond. There is nothing you can do to change that. I never told you because I knew you would react this way." Celebrian remained calm, knowing her husband's temper. Shouting would do no good.  
  
"Love? Love?"  
  
"Would you so deny my love?" Celebrian asked, well aware that she was using his emotions and hers as tools. So be it. This would take time and effort.  
  
"You know that's different." At least he was calmer.  
  
"It is not. You have seen our sons kissing, I suppose?"  
  
"I have."  
  
"And you have confined them?"  
  
"Yes." At this answer Celebrian kissed her husband. "Celebrain--"  
  
"A kiss, that is all. Will you confine me?"  
  
"You are my wife, they are my sons, it is different. It is unnatural for two men to have those feelings for each other."  
  
"So often you say, but it is the same. While I may be your wife you have no power over me, and this goes also for your sons. Love is more powerful than anything else. I have taught my sons this, why can I not teach you? You cannot keep them apart."  
  
Elrond did not reply, but when Celebrian had left he said, "Yet I will do everything in my power to try." *****  
  
"You have not only brought shame upon yourselves but on your family. How is your sister supposed to look at you as role models? How can your mother and I trust you?"  
  
Elrohir's head was bowed. His cheeks burned red with deep shame. His lip quivered. Beside him Elladan stood, his chin parallel to the floor. Elladan did not blush, did not bite back tears as his brother did beside him.  
  
"You have no need to hide your shame, Elladan."  
  
As he spoke, each word was like a snake's bite, sure, full, and separate from the next. "I have no shame to hide." Elrohir turned his head, and Elrond's head shot up to stare at his son in disbelief. "You heard me rightly, before you even ask, Adar. I am not ashamed." Elrond thought about this for a moment, and to the boys it seemed that he might accept them as they were. Elrohir raised his head in hope.  
  
"In a week Glorfindel is leaving on a hunting trip. Elrohir, you will accompany him. Elladan, you will not set foot outside Imladris."  
  
"What? You can't do that!" Elladan exploded.  
  
"It's not fair," Elrohir protested.  
  
"I can and I will, Elladan. If you cannot behave appropriately around your brother, then you shall never see him alone. He shall be on errant outside Imladris, and you shall never leave it. You are both dismissed."  
  
Elrohir turned, his head down again, and shuffled away. Elladan did not move, staring at his father in anger, betrayal, and something deeper than either.  
  
"What is it, Elladan?" Elrond asked, exasperated.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
Elrond felt regret as he watched his son leave his study, as if Elladan had left him for ever. Part of him wanted to call out and stop him, tell him it was all right. But he knew the boy would come to his senses, and Elrond could bear the pain of empty words. 


	5. Hello, Goodbye

Disclaimer: I own no recognizable places or people.  
  
Kawaii Blue Bear: Good idea! Originally I was not going to use it but then I decided to, after all. So credit for that bit goes to Kawaii.  
  
Darragh Tieraneux: Thanks. . .thanks. . .seriously, thanks! At least it doesn't come off too clumsy, it sure feels it. Maybe a bit better in this chapter.  
  
Hrefna: No one is perfection, sweetness, and light. That would be boring. ;]  
  
Pink Martini: Thanks. And to condemn based on pairing is just dumb, I hate when people do that, because what if the story is really good? As for Celebrian, she wa supposed to be the character who is the biggest support in the lives of at least the twins, so when she leaves it's quite a shock for them.  
  
  
  
"Elladan, why did Elrohir leave but not you?" Arwen inquired. Celebrian glanced at Elrond, who was wondering what his son would say to that.  
  
"Because, Arwen, Elrohir has been sent away while I have been confined," Elladan answered angrily, shooting a look of pure anger and hatred at Elrond. "But do not worry, Arwen. Elrohir has left, but he has not left our hearts." When Elladan said "our", it was clear to his parents that this "our" did not include them. It was cold and forbidding, exclusive.  
  
"Well. . .what did you do wrong?" Arwen asked. Her innocence only protected her from Elladan's rage.  
  
"I did nothing wrong, but I guess /some/one is unhappy with the way I was born," Elladan replied. Silence settled over the four. "What happy meal- time conversation this is," Elladan said sarcastically. In a false voice, clearly an imitation of Elrond, he continued, "Elrohir and Elladan are forbidden to see each other, Arwen, because I'm afraid they might--"  
  
"Would you like to leave the table, Elladan?" Elrond asked. "That has been quite enough mimickery for tonight." Elladan tipped his head to the side, looking at his father with a look open, not in a friendly manner but more lacking in emotion.  
  
"I too would be ashamed of it," he said quietly.  
  
"Elladan, you are excused."  
  
"Good. Because I can tell you are afraid I might contaminate Arwen with something. Clearly she is the only good child you have left." Elladan stalked from the room. His loud footsteps continued slowly, then reaching the stairs speeded up, and then there was a slammed door. Arwen stared straight ahead, quivering, wondering what she had done wrong. She was crying now, numb to her mother's arms around her. What did she do wrong?  
  
"I'm going to go talk to him," Elrond said, standing.  
  
"It will do no good," Celebrian said. "You may as well just sit back down. Your son, in truth, hates you. You have done nothing to reverse this. Now if he lashes out, he does not realize that he will hurt others. He only wishes to hurt you. If you have any words for your son, make them wise words, for they may well be the last he ever hears from you." With those final words she turned her attention back to the sobbing Arwen.  
  
*****  
  
"Why are you so glum, Elrohir?" Glorfindel asked. Elrond had not told him why, only asked that he take Elrohir hunting with him, out of Imladris. "I thought you always wanted to leave Rivendell."  
  
"That's Elladan. I would not have minded, but I miss my mother and my brother, and my sister."  
  
For a moment Glorfindel pondered this. "And Lord Elrond? You do not miss your Ada?"  
  
"No," Elrohir admitted, "I do not. It's only. . .if one person says one thing, and another person says another thing that's the opposite of that, which person is right?" When he had been a child Elrohir had asked Elrond this question. That answer had only confused him more. He hardly expected anything different from Glorfindel.  
  
"You have to decide then for yourself," Glorfindel replied. "You can't spend your life believing something just because other people tell you to believe it. That would be plain foolish."  
  
"Then I am a fool," Elrohir whispered into the air. "And a lost one."  
  
*****  
  
Four weeks passed by. Elladan would not speak to or acknowledge his father, though he had apologized to Arwen. Often in passing the time he shut himself in his room, and none were quite certain what he did in those long hours. Rumors were whispered about Imladris that the son of Elrond had taken to madness, and while this infuriated Elrond it did not bother Elladan, for he deeply hated his father in wished his unhappiness in any manner.  
  
Alternately Elladan's silences angered and upset Elrond. He, too, began to worry for his son's sanity, and it did upset him that his own child would shut him out like that. That Elladan had taken to believe he had any right to do these things angered Elrond, who repeated shouted through a door at Elladan, "This is above your place!" Any punishments went over Elladan, for while they were the only times he would mind Elrond he never seemed to care.  
  
Elrohir was not much better off, at first. He was confused as to how he should feel, and how he should feel about the way he felt. For sure he loved Elladan, beyond the love of two brothers. At times this fact seemed right, and he reveled in it, for it was immovable. Other times he felt dirty, and hated himself for it, and hated its immovability.  
  
But despite all this Elrohir enjoyed himself. He had always been handy with the bow, and now had a chance to put that skill to use. Guilt often shot through him that Elladan would love an adventure like this, but it passed quickly with the belief that Elladan would enjoy himself no matter what.  
  
On the day of Elrohir's return to Imladris, it seemed as if all of the world was happy. The sun shone down and the wind was cool. Elrohir embraced his mother and sister, teasing Arwen just a bit in asking if she had not been /too/ much trouble. Unsure of what else to do, Elrohir shook hands with Elrond, only a bit set-off by the formality there. "Where is my brother?" Elrohir asked. "May I speak with him?"  
  
"Elladan is not here right now, he carries a letter to the Lady Galadriel," Elrond said. Elrohir's expression changed only slightly, but he knew this for a lie. Galadriel had her mirror, and this in most cases destroyed the need for letters, though often she would write to Celebrian. Out of the corner of his eye Elrohir noticed a figure standing at a window. His gaze flicked quickly to the right, but the figure was gone. It mattered not, he knew that window.  
  
*****  
  
Two years passed. The twins saw each other only briefly and in incredible formality. Elrohir was almost always sent out hunting, or with some sort of letter to deliver. He often wished to stay in Imladris, as he hardly got a night's sleep before he was told where he was next off to.  
  
Elladan began to feel near to heartbreak. He still loved Elrohir, as he knew Elrohir loved him. Imladris became a prison to Elladan, and more and more often he would take to his room so as not to see the invisible walls of his confines.  
  
"Speak to your father," Celebrian beseeched Elladan. "Tell him something, anything, any lie to calm his anger and get you from this prison of yours." For she saw her son's illness, the nearness to heartbreak and thus death. "Or, if you must, live for your sister. But do not die."  
  
Elladan finally did as his mother asked, speaking lies to Elrond and being granted permission to leave Rivendell. "One night," Elrond said, "on a hunting trip alone." Elladan was glad of this, for he knew something his father did not: while he was to ride in the direction opposite Elrohir, the other twin was less than a day's ride away.  
  
Riding due north Elladan left Imladris, then turning he circled widely around it. By nightfall he had found Elrohir and Glorfindel, who often rode together now. When he was sure that Glorfindel was asleep Elladan crept over to Elrohir. "'Rohi, wake up," Elladan said softly, shaking his brother. Elrohir groggily looked up at him.  
  
"Elladan? How in all Middle-Earth--"  
  
"Shh. Come with me into the trees where we can talk safely." Elladan led Elrohir away, not too far. They spoke. "Adar has allowed me to go on a hunting trip, I have only one night. I wanted to see you alone."  
  
"He will know, Elladan."  
  
"Only if you tell."  
  
"What of your arrows, none spent?" Elrohir inquired.  
  
"I shall shoot some into the brush and some at trees, losing or denting them. As well I will shoot at whatever crosses my path. Please do not tell, Elrohir. I only came of my love for you."  
  
"Elladan. . . " now could he phrase this?  
  
"The morality still gets to you, doesn't it? Decide in one moment and be sure, Elrohir. It will make life so much easier."  
  
"Yes, Elladan, but which moment?" Elrohir asked. "There are so many--" Elladan kissed him. No words would come through that kiss, but old fires were rekindled. Their love was stronger than ever before, stronger with the time spent apart. Elrohir began to speak, but Elladan faded into the darkness.  
  
*****  
  
Elrond never said anything but he must have known, for he hardly allowed the twins to see each other for many more years. Elladan was again confined to Imladris, Elrohir sent out. Both became older, more mature Elves, as well as becoming expert huntsmen. When either wielded a bow or sword it was not wise to anger them, even when armed.  
  
Elrohir had left Rivendell only three hours before when he heard galloping hooves coming towards him. He paused, allowing the hooves to catch up. A horse approached, its rider being his brother, out of breath. The horse panted as crazily as Elladan. "Elrohir, you must come with me," Elladan said.  
  
"What is it, Elladan? Does Ada know you are here, if--" Elrohir began, but Elladan cut him off with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Naneth. You remember that trip she took? When she refused to be accompanied?"  
  
"Yes," Elrohir said quickly. He was worried now.  
  
"We received word perhaps an hour ago that she has been taken by orcs. We are to find her and return her to Imladris. Come now, we must hurry," and Elladan nudged his horse onwards. Elrohir followed. The twins rode through the night and most of the next day, arriving near noon at the entrance to a cave. "This must be it," Elladan said. The two dismounted and approached the cave quietly, watching.  
  
"No activity," Elrohir noted. "Let us go now and get her, they will not follow us in the sunlight." (author's note: these are not Uruks, they cannot stand the sunlight)  
  
"Right. We shall both go into the caves. I'll go first." Elladan led the way into the damp, dusky cave. As they went deeper voices calling out in ugly languages grew louder. "Let us sneak in, for now, and should they find us we will shoot them all."  
  
"All right."  
  
When they found their mother the twins were immediately outraged. She had been hurt, badly. Though neither was a healer they knew that this type of grievous injury could kill an Elf. Elladan drew an arrow from his quiver, about to storm the orcs and kill every last one of them. He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Will that help her?" Elrohir asked. "We will stick to our stealth, Elladan. Let them not know that we are here. You go first, and I will follow."  
  
Elrohir carried Celebrian in his arms. The path was difficult, uphill and rocky, but Elrohir managed it. Not a single orc noticed them, it seemed, for they were all deep in the cavernous dwelling. Once out in the sunlight, the twins ran to their mounts. "Elrohir, take Naneth. You and your horse are not as exhausted as me and mine." Elladan helped his brother mount and Elrohir rode off, followed closely by Elladan.  
  
By rights the two should have been exhausted beyond the point of wakefulness, but adrenaline kept them going. By nightfall they had reached Imladris. They carried Celebrian inside and set her on her bed, then left the room and collapsed in the corridor outside.  
  
*****  
  
Both boys awoke stiff the next morning. They stretched out their muscles and opened the door to their mother's room, not sure what they were going to do to help her. "There is nothing left to do but wait," Elrond told them.  
  
"Wait? What are we waiting for?"  
  
"Until she is well again."  
  
"You lie," Elladan said, "we know it."  
  
Elrond sighed. "Your mother has been poisoned from this wound, here. I have treated the wound, but orc poisons are not well known to any. Chances are she will be all right but there is a chance. . .there is a chance."  
  
For moments the twins stood in silence, looking at their mother's face. She looked peacefully, but did she know that she might be dying? "Come, Elladan. There is nothing we can do here." Elrohir put his arm around Elladan and led him away. The two found Arwen eating breakfast and sat across from her.  
  
"Will you tell me?" she asked them quietly. "I know something has happened, but everyone insists I go about as if it were a normal day. My brothers, will you not tell me?"  
  
"Mother is not well, Arwen," Elrohir admitted. Arwen froze, staring at him. She knew what that meant. "And she may not get better."  
  
"How. . .how? Has she a broken heart? What have we done wrong?" Arwen asked as soon as she could move again.  
  
"It was poison. We have only to wait now, long and terrible, until she is either well or. . .not well."  
  
*****  
  
"I don't understand. Why are you leaving us?" Arwen asked. She was crying as she bid her mother farewell.  
  
"I am not leaving you, Arwen. We will meet again, in Valinor. Until that time, you must be strong for your Ada and for your brothers." Celebrian knew it was her time to leave. That was why, so many years ago, she was unsure of where she would fit in in her family's life. Because she would not be there.  
  
"Yes, Naneth," Arwen said, brushing away tears. She embraced her mother, then turned away. She would not watch her mother leave Middle Earth for ever.  
  
*****  
  
Elladan had no idea what was in his hands. He only knew that he wanted to break it, smash it into a thousand pieces, and that was what he did. More and more things he hurled to the ground, smashing, breaking them. The noise and feeling of power was god, just getting out his rage was even better.  
  
Down the hall, Elrohir cried softly to himself. He opened his drawer, the bottom drawer in his desk, searching for something of hers. He found the snow globe, which had been smashed so many years before. The pieces of glass, so dangerous, shone with beauty and the love of his mother. Two broken fragments next to each other had his name written in soft red letters. "Elrohir. . ."  
  
No torches were lit in Imladris that night, or the next.  
  
*****  
  
Nearly four hundred years had passed since their mother had gone to Valinor. Elrond no longer seemed to care if the twins were lovers or not, and for this a shadow of guilt kept them from such feelings. Only Arwen had retained her normalcy and grown in strength. It was on one day, not so very special in any way at all, that the twins were called to their father's study.  
  
"Men of Gondor requested some assistance on a hunt. I have volunteered you," Elrond informed them.  
  
"No," Elladan said flatly.  
  
"They are hunting orcs."  
  
*****  
  
Elladan's face was set in a frown. The orcs had ambushed them, and killed many of the Men. Now the twins rode back to Imladris. "Elrohir, will you shut that thing up!" Elladan demanded.  
  
"Elladan, he's upset. Wouldn't you be? He's just lost his father," Elrohir said in excuse. The child in his arms just kept screaming. "Shh," Elrohir said softly, "it's all right, little one. There's no more danger now."  
  
"Give him over, I'll make him shut up," Elladan growled. Elrohir responded by holding the child tighter.  
  
"I promised Gilraen this young one would be safe with us in Rivendell. You throttling him hardly constitutes safety!"  
  
"All right, all right," Elladan grumbled. "Whines a lot, doesn't he? We were not that bad, when Naneth left."  
  
"He is only a child, Elladan! Let him be."  
  
Elladan did, taking the rest of the trip in silence. When they reached Rivendell, Elladan dismounted quickly. "I'll take the horses to the stables, you take that--" he nodded towards the now-sleeping baby in Elrohir's arms "--to Adar."  
  
"All right," Elrohir said. He dismounted and handed the reins to his brother. Heading inside he hoped Elrond would react well. This trip was not supposed to end in a young child coming home, and without Celebrian. . .  
  
"Elrohir? How was the hunting trip?" Elrond asked as Elrohir entered his study.  
  
"It. . .it did not go too well, Ada. This child. . ." Elrond looked up and noticed the small bundle in Elrohir's arms. He looked at his son with a question in his eyes. "I promised his mother that he would be safe being raised here in Imladris."  
  
"Here," Elrond said, taking the child from Elrohir. "It. . .it's not an Elf," he stated, bewildered.  
  
"No, Ada, he is not."  
  
"Has he a name?"  
  
"He is Aragorn. His mother, Gilraen, asked that he be kept safe here. . .Arathorn was killed. We cannot call him Aragorn, of course. I've been calling him Estel--Hope." Elrohir did not add that he had been calling him that because he hoped Elrond would allow the child to stay. "You would not have to care for him at all, if you wanted, just please allow him to stay."  
  
"No, Elrohir. I will raise him, you are too young." Though Elrond did not say it, Elrohir saw in his Ada's eyes that this child had brought something back, something that had long been gone or dead. "You, little Hope, are quite an explanation."  
  
"Ada?" Something was wrong. Elrohir could feel it. "Where is Arwen?"  
  
"Lady Galadriel has taken Arwen to Lothlorien. Her explanation seemed not to make sense. . .but now I understand."  
  
"When is she coming back?"  
  
"I cannot say--"  
  
"She is my sister! Could I not have at least said goodbye?"  
  
"I am sorry, Elrohir."  
  
*****  
  
"Elladan. Arwen's gone to Lothlorien."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"I do not know, but Ada acts as though it has something to do with Estel. Oh, Estel is Aragorn, we're to call him Estel now."  
  
Something gleamed in Elladan's eyes. "That child is the reason my sister left Rivendell." He would say no more on the matter, but Elrohir felt uneasy again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So, how was that? It took me almost 5 hours to write. . .was it too rushed? 


	6. With A Little Help From My Friends

Disclaimer: Sadly, any recognizable people and places are not mine.  
  
Forest Elfin: Thanks, and sorry this took so long.  
  
Hrefna: Thank you so much for telling me that Celebrian's leaving seemed rushed, I will try to fix that as soon as I can. Thanks and all that!  
  
Darragh Tieraneux: Whoops. . .I uploaded the wrong document. Sorry! And thank you from the bottom of my heart for saying. . .for saying those really nice things about my writing. It really means something that you said that, thank you so much. (and 'It Matters Not' is great, far better than this)  
  
Thank you everyone who took the time to review and sorry this chapter took so long and is so short.  
  
  
  
*****  
  
Elladan made one thing clear from the start: he hated Estel. He did everything he could to make the child miserable, pinching him, once he even tried to set fire to him--lucky Estel screamed and Elrohir showed up just in time. Elrond knew nothing of this hatred but for the glare in his son's eye and the way he spoke so cynically, yet that was so commonplace.  
  
"Three years and he hasn't spoken a word," Elladan snorted. "He is a bit slow, isn't he?"  
  
"Why do you hate him so, Elladan? What is it about him? Surely it cannot simply be Arwen--" Elrohir protested. The two stood in the library, waiting for their friend Legolas, who was coming to visit them. Elladan stood gazing out the window, but as his brother spoke he whirled on his heel.  
  
"It is not just Arwen, for that I can endure as the lives of Men are short and fleeting to our hundreds of years. No, it is more than that. It is that he steals you from me. It is that my father has some life brought back to him with this child. No, Elrohir, I do not wish for him to suffer, much as I despise him. I hate him because when Mother left there was some deep depression in Adar. Why were we not enough for him? Why does it take some measley mortal boy. . ." Elladan's rant was cut short by rising emotion.  
  
"Elladan," Elrohir said softly, raising a hand to his brother's cheek for comfort. Elladan allowed this, shaking, his lips parted slightly. "Do you not see? I too am hurt by this, but this also I know: Ada sees not a child in Estel, but a task. A distraction. Why do you think I so often spend time with the child? Someone must love him, and Ada will not do this." Elladan could not speak in response. His father's emotions had never once come to mind, nor Estel's.  
  
"What happened to us?" Elladan asked softly. "I loved you deeper than a brother's love." It had been long since Elladan had felt the lovers' fire in his chest, lust was not in his heart any more. Now he knew it was real, and it was love. He wished Elrohir would not deny it, not keep him away. . .  
  
"I don't know, it seemed wrong with Mother gone, as if maybe she would disprove. . ." Elrohir answered softly. He, too, wanted his brother. He felt it in his chest, stronger than anything. Sometimes it simmered and a glance or smile from Elladan was enough. At other times it raged, boiling, bubbling until he thought if he did not just kiss or caress Elladan he would scream. Yet Elrohir kept his feelings within. No longer was their mother there to protect them.  
  
"She was not at all averse. . .you fear him. Oh, Elrohir, you always want so badly to please him. Why? He will not be pleased as you love me, and you cannot stop it." Elladan finished his speech calmly, and Elrohir gasped. "I know, of course, I know! I see it in your eyes when you look at me, I know that in your mind you see me, sometimes in your dreams. Don't you remember the velvet sky and the virgin snow?"  
  
"I couldn't forget it, Elladan," Elrohir admitted. "But it feels wrong to do those things in our father's house." Yet at the same time, as Elladan leaned forward, Elrohir did not push him away. Their lips met, and in a breathy whisper Elladan asked,  
  
"Are you sure you want this?"  
  
Elrohir did not answer, but he drew Elladan closer to him. They embraced as they kissed passionately, feeling the warmth of each other's body and the comfort of the closeness. As two pieces of the puzzle the fit together. Neither could bring himself to open his eyes or push the other away, and neither really wished to. Elrohir felt oddly, though, when Elladan slipped his tongue into his mouth. Elrohir froze, unsure of what to do next. He had never before kissed like that, or had the love of a man. Elladan felt his twin's discomfort and drew back.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Elladan," Elrohir said, tears forming in his eyes. "I'm sorry I don't know what to do, I'm sorry this is so new to me. I'm sorry I cannot be better for you!"  
  
"Elrohir, it's all right," Elladan said, but Elrohir did not hear. Already he had run from the room. From a forgotten nook came a small cry.  
  
"Elladan!" a shrill voice exclaimed happily. "Elladan!" It sounded with pride, if without meaning. Elladan turned to see Estel clapping for himself. "Elladan!" he said again, though it sounded more like "Ewwadan".  
  
"You--you said my name," Elladan observed, disbelieving. "You spoke." Estel bubbled with joy, oblivious to Elladan's shock. Pushing himself up on his chubby little legs, Estel took a wobbly step forward. All his steps were wobbly, from his first one to that one, there in the library. Almost running Estel smacking into Elladan and hugged him around the knees. Elladan felt his heart melt--and he was disgusted. "Get off me!" he said harshly, kicking Estel off him. Estel crashed to the floor and started wailing.  
  
"Aw, come on," Elladan said. This was the second brother he had made cry in ten minutes. Brother? Second brother? When had he started to think of Estel that way? It did not matter, the child's wailing was a knife to his heart. "It's all right, little one, it is all right," Elladan cooed, picking up Estel and holding him tightly. "Stop crying, it's all right." As if one cue Estel's wails ceased and his tears dried.  
  
*****  
  
Elrohir ran away from the library, away from Elladan, away from the feelings he could not escape. He crashed through the door in the entry hall, momentarily blinded by the bright sunlight. He pressed on, not minding the blindness, not even seeing in the first place. He stopped when he felt himself crash into something, or someone. "Elrohir? What is it, what's wrong?" It was Legolas. He held Elrohir by the shoulders, looking into his eyes.  
  
"I. . .I. . ." Elrohir tried to speak, tried to say something to excuse his behavior. There were no words. Legolas understood, and he compassionately hugged Elrohir, trying to offer him some comfort. Elrohir, blinking back tears, drew away, staring into Legolas's eyes. "Why did you do that?"  
  
"Are you all right? Elrohir, what is wrong?" Legolas asked. "You have long been my friend, and long have you trusted me. What is it? What weighs so heavily on your mind?"  
  
"I. . .I. . ." again the words stuck. "Please do not make me say it," Elrohir begged.  
  
"Of course, not until you are ready," Legolas said.  
  
"Oh, I've been terrible! Welcome to Rivendell, Legolas. It is wonderful to have you here."  
  
"And wonderful to be here," Legolas agreed. The two headed inside, only to be met by Elladan, carrying Estel in his arms. "Elladan! I'm quite offended," Legolas joked, "that I was not invited to the wedding."  
  
"Very funny, Legolas, here, you take him. He weighs a ton," Elladan said, hefting Estel and handing him to Legolas. Legolas didn't know much about young children, so he did his best to take the child from Elladan. Mid-way between the two Estel decided to speak, and shouted out his brother's name. Elrohir froze, jaw dropped, and stared al Elladan.  
  
"He said your name. He spoke!"  
  
"That was my reaction, too," Elladan admitted.  
  
"Way to go, little brother!" Elrohir exclaimed, ruffling Estel's hair, or what hair he had, still being only three. Al the attention was on Estel now. He smiled, decided to do something noteworthy, and then he threw up all over Legolas. "Estel!" Elrohir exclaimed, taking the child from Legolas. "Legolas, I'm so sorry!" Legolas was laughing.  
  
"He is cute, isn't he?" Legolas asked, stripping his outer tunic and bundling it up. "I'll have to wash that tonight, otherwise I'll forget and that would not be good." The three laughed together, and it felt good. Even Estel felt happy, and he took the opportunity to fall asleep. Elladan smiled.  
  
"I must be his favourite," Elladan said with a smirk, "Legolas gets covered in throw-up, Elrohir gets drooled on, and I'm his first word!" Elrohir glanced at Legolas. Elrohir nodded.  
  
"Let's get him!" Elladan and Legolas hurled themselves at Elladan, setting Estel on the ground. Estel awoke and shrieked gleefully, then follow the example the elder Elves had set and began to knaw on Elladan's leg. Elladan could not stop flailing, trying to get Estel and the others off of him. Finally they fell back, slumping against the walls, breathless from laughter.  
  
"Someone take this child off my leg please," Elladan choked out. Elrohir tugged Estel, dislodging his teeth from Elladan's flesh. "Ouch! Little rat," Elladan accused, pulling himself into sitting position.  
  
*****  
  
The month Legolas spent in Rivendell was happy for a all, in a way that time became like butter, passing and melting into other bits of itself. The sun shone every day. Days bled together, weeks passed in the blink of an eye. They were boys again, imaginary orc-hunts and real-live sword bouts filled up their hours. Before they knew it, Legolas's last full day in Rivendell had dawned.  
  
"Elrohir. . ." it was night, and Elrohir sat beside Legolas on his bed. Farewells had never been easy for them, so instead they always sat and spoke as if nothing was amiss, saying any last-minute thoughts they had for each other. "Why were you crying earlier?" Elrohir did not make any movement, in any way hinting at why. "We are friends, remember? Elrohir, if there's something you want or need to say--"  
  
"I love Elladan," he said in a rush. Legolas paused, not sure if he had heard right. "I don't want you to hate me, but I want you to know. I love Elladan beyond the way a brother loves a brother. You can be disgusted or you can hate me for it, I know I deserve it."  
  
"Elrohir. . ." Legolas said after a pause, "I admire you. To have the courage to know your feelings and to not be afraid of your father's response to them, for I know how he feels about these things. You are amazing, Elrohir. Don't let anybody tell you different."  
  
"Thank you, Legolas," Elrohir whispered, staring straight ahead. Legolas had told him, so similar to his mother. . .perhaps it was all right to feel that way. Perhaps it was not a mark of shame. Perhaps he did not need to hide his feelings away like he so often did. Perhaps. . ."You are right, Legolas. Thank you, more than you can know."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, that's all for now. Next chapter I promise will be the night after Estel ran away, mentioned in "Promises of Someday". Thank you so much for reading and please review! I love knowing what people think, so please let me know! 


	7. While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings.  
  
Sorry this chapter took so long.  
  
Forest Elfin: Lucky for Estel he'll never remember that, having been a little kid at the time!  
  
Darragh Tieraneux: Thanks! Waiting is evil. . .  
  
Reginabean: Thanks! And yes, a Beatles fan. Plus their songs are pretty good for chapter titles!  
  
Pink Martini: Thanks, and I'll try.  
  
Thanks everyone who reviewed!  
  
*****  
  
The next few years passed quickly, by the ways of Men, and slowly by the ways of Elves, for Elladan and Elrohir. They did much look after their young brother, Estel, whose growth was something of interest to them. By the time has was four years old his speech was more fluent, though held back, but by five he never stopped talking. His steps, also, evened out, and as he spoke he was often running, making it difficult to stop him from doing anything at all.  
  
Though he would never have admitted it, Elladan stopped hating the child so very much. In a matter of three years he became closer and closer to the boy. In Estel's sixth year there was one incident, but it was short and passed by quickly. Estel never remembered it, and even if he did he would not have judged Elladan at all, for he loved his brother very much. It was on the anniversary of Celebrian's departure, and Elladan and Elrohir had been instructed to watch Estel.  
  
"Elladan, don't," Elrohir half asked. Elladan just narrowed his eyes, and gave his head a quick shake. Elrohir looked on, disapproving, but did nothing to stop Elladan's drinking. He was neither habitually nor in an addicted manner a drinker, but this was a "special" night. "You think she wants this?"  
  
Elladan cursed. "She left us, Elrohir. Wake up! She doesn't care. . ."  
  
"You know that's not true," Elrohir protested. "You know she had no choice." Elladan was clearly intoxicated. Estel sat beside Elrohir, but his gaze was fixed on Elladan. Elladan noticed this, and glared back at him.  
  
"What's wrong with you, huh? You want to judge me, too?" Elladan asked, his words slurred. Estel shook his head.  
  
"I was just wondering what ale tastes like," Estel said innocently.  
  
"Here, find out," Elladan suggested, holding out an open bottle to the child.  
  
"Elladan, no!" Elrohir hissed. "He's just a child!"  
  
"Aw, he's not," Elladan argued drunkenly. "He can make his own choices, can't you?"  
  
"Estel, don't," Elrohir instructed, tightening his grasp on Estel's shoulders.  
  
"No," Estel said. He shook Elrohir lightly off of him, and walked over to Elladan. "I can make my own choices." He made a face at his first taste of ale, but he kept it down. Elladan laughed, patting him on the shoulder.  
  
"Good choice," he affirmed. Estel looked at Elrohir, a sort of accusing look. Elrohir sighed and buried his head in his hands, grasping his hair in two fists. Estel began to ask if something was wrong, but Elladan said, "You want another ale, Estel?"  
  
Two hours later, Estel passed out. Elladan looked to him. "Well? Aren't you going to do something?" he asked. Elrohir always did something, he always had a trick up his sleeves. But now, he gently loosed stiff fingers from his knotted locks, and wet, red eyes, stared at Elladan  
  
"What," he whispered, "should I do?"  
  
"I don't care! Just do something! You always have something to do! Nothing ever freezes you, why should this be any different?"  
  
"Why can't you? Why can't I fall apart, just one time?" Elrohir shouted. "Why do you always get it easy, huh? Why do you always have an answer, but never an action? Why do I have to be responsible for you?"  
  
"Because you always have been! You set yourself up for responsibility, so take what you asked for!" Elladan stormed out of the room. Elrohir muttered a short prayer, collapsing into his chair. He hadn't meant for that to happen. . .  
  
"What's wrong, Elrohir?"  
  
"Nothing, Estel," Elrohir said, sniffing back tears and wiping his face. "Come on, it's time for bed." Elrohir lifted Estel into his arms and carried him down the hall to his room. Half-hearted, Elrohir slid Estel into his bed and pulled the covers over him. "Good night," he whispered, then he left the room.  
  
*****  
  
Nothing was resolved after that night. No one ever said "I'm sorry". No one ever brought it up again, they just let it hang in mid-air. The twins went on with life as if it never existed. Estel woke up with a pounding headache and no memory of the night before.  
  
A year passed. Elladan did nothing hateful to Estel, and Elrohir kept on being responsible for everything. It was then that they noticed how strange Estel had been acting. He seemed secretive, and as if he were planning something. He wasn't nearly as chatty as usual. The twins debated approaching him about it, but decided against it. One morning not too long after, their questions were answered, and Estel was found to be missing.  
  
Elladan took this personally. He searched high and low for Estel, but the searching was slow. "This isn't your fault," Elrohir reminded him. Elladan did not respond. They still thought it possible that he had not run away, that perhaps he was out on one of his "adventures". Night fell, and heavy rain clouds that had been gathering all day burst.  
  
"This rain is no good, it will wash away any tracks Estel left," Elladan commented, staring into the trees.  
  
"Then help me follow these tracks while we've got them to follow!" Elrohir responded. Though Estel had some training in such things, he did not appear to have tried to hide his tracks at all. Noticing something Elrohir stopped, and examined it further. "Elladan, look."  
  
"What is it?" Elladan asked. He followed the tracks, then he realized. "We passed right by him."  
  
"He was hiding from us."  
  
Before that moment Elladan had believed that Estel was just off on an "adventure", but no longer. There was no way now that to be true, not if Estel had been hiding from them. "He's not coming back, Elrohir."  
  
"He has to come back, or we will just have to bring him back." Elrohir headed forward, following the remnants of Estel's tracks. "Estel!"  
  
*****  
  
"Elrohir! Elrohir!" Elladan shook his brother with unnecessary force. "Elrohir, wake up!" His voice was filled with tears.  
  
"What is it?" Elrohir asked groggily. Birds were singing and the sun shone over the twins, their bodies wet from the rain and the morning dew.  
  
"He's gone. We're not going to find him now, 'Ro. We were just closing our eyes. . .just resting our eyes for a few moments, right? Just. . .just resting. . ." he trailed off as tears sprang to his eyes and ran down his cheeks.  
  
"Elladan, it will be all right. Come on, hold yourself together. We had better go tell Ada we're all right, and then we can keep up our search." Elrohir got to his feet. Elladan watched him, questioning. "Ada will be worried, Elladan. About us, as well as about Estel. For whom we can do little now. . ."  
  
Elladan did not want to admit that his brother was right. He did not want to follow Elrohir back, to find their father and tell him that they were all right, not while Estel was still out there. But all his strength was gone with despair, and numbly he followed Elrohir.  
  
"Did you find him?" was the first thing Elrond said. Elladan's numbness evaporated, replaced with burning anger. What about us? Didn't you even worry about your sons? Don't we matter any more?  
  
"No," Elrohir said, "we just wanted to make sure you weren't worried about us before going back out to search for a while longer." Elrond nodded, and the twins left. Elrohir could not keep Elladan from whispering certain obscenities, but he could keep him from riding back and killing Elrond, by reminding him of Estel. "We'll find him, Elladan."  
  
Taking these words to heart, Elladan and Elrohir kept up their search well into the night. They found no trace of their brother. Eventually weariness set in. They were only Elves, and even they needed rest at some time. Elrohir looked longingly back, then suggested to Elladan that they return. "Elladan, let's just go back home. We will not find him. Look, the stars shine on us. It is more like that he will come home on his own than that we will find him out here."  
  
Elladan knew these words to be true, but he would not admit it. "Just a few more minutes," he argued. If anything happened to Estel, it was his fault. He had been so terrible to him. If Elladan had just. . .so now he had to find Estel. It wasn't a choice.  
  
Elrohir did not tell him this was folly. He sighed, but agreed to a few more minutes. Every time he told Elladan that his few minutes were up, Elladan insisted on just a few more. Eventually Elrohir stopped telling him how long they had been out. Elladan was determined, and there was no changing his mind.  
  
Near midday Elladan sighed. He could hardly keep his eyes open. Estel could run right by him and not be seen. It was time to admit defeat. "Let's go home, Elrohir," he said, turning dejectedly.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong, brother," Elrohir said, his arm around Elladan's shoulders.  
  
"Whatever you say. . ."  
  
They made their way back to Imladris. Elrohir hoped Estel had found or would find his way home, safely. Elladan was still beating himself up about Estel leaving in the first place, insisting that it was his fault. Every counter argument came back to the fact the Estel had hidden from them. Clearly, clearly it was Elladan's fault. "Glorfindel," Elrohir said as they approached their friend, "have you seen Ada?"  
  
"Yes, he's in Estel's room," Glorfindel replied, rushed, then he hurried off. The twins glanced at each other, then made their way to Estel's room.  
  
"Estel!" Their energy had returned at seeing him.  
  
"Estel, you ratbag!" Elladan said, before he could help it hugging the boy. With Elrohir on his left and Elladan on his right, Estel was so twisted about he may as well have joined the circus. "You stupid, stupid person! Beag!" Elladan could not help shouting any insult that came into his head, almost tearfully hugging Estel.  
  
"Elladan, he's turning blue," Elrohir said, having drawn away from Estel. Elladan pulled back, and all his happiness was replaced with anger.  
  
"What in Middle-earth were you thinking?" Elladan demanded, smacking Estel on the head. Estel began to cry. "Did you think at all?"  
  
"Elladan, maybe you need to calm down a bit," Elrohir suggested, grabbing Elladan's arm and dragging him out of the room. "All right, I know you're tired and I know you're angry," Elrohir began as they reached the corridor. "So maybe both of us should get some rest before we talk to Estel again, all right?"  
  
Elladan agreed and both twins slept for many, many hours before speaking to anyone again.  
  
*****  
  
Elrohir woke before his brother, and it was late morning. "I must have slept for almost twenty hours," he moaned, brushing his teeth. His limbs were heavy, and a part of him wanted to get back into bed, and just sleep all day, but instead he made himself breakfast and went outside. It felt good to be home again, and well rested. He was just enjoying the sunshine when someone came up behind him, saying,  
  
"What do you say to an archery contest, to wake us both up properly?"  
  
Elrohir sighed. Elladan always won archery contests, but he was a good sport about such things. "All right, let me just go get my bow. . ." he trailed off as the bow was handed to him. Clearly he wasn't getting out of this one. For the better part of an hour the aimed at various targets, mostly leaves and acorns, then Elladan noticed something.  
  
"Elrohir, Estel's out there, will you let me speak with him alone?" Elladan asked. Elrohir shook his head, not after last time. "I think I owe him an apology." To this Elrohir nodded and the two headed back to Imladris. Elladan doubled back to the spare archery targets, lifting the small boy out of them. Estel struggled hard against him. "Stop that! Estel, quit kicking me!" When Estel struggled harder (and he could get pretty violent), Elladan added, "Estel! What are you trying to do? It's me, Elladan, your brother! I'm not going to hurt you!"  
  
"Why do you care what I do? Let me go! You hurt me before, I don't want you to hurt me now! This time I didn't do anything!" Elladan held Estel at an arm's length, trying his best to avoid flailing fists and feet. Elrohir must have heard the commotion, because he was approaching, also. Estel's struggles had proved unsuccessful thus far, so he employed another of the weapons at his disposal, sinking his teeth into his brother's flesh. Elladan shouted and his muscles spasmed, letting Estel fall to the ground. He stared at Elladan, looking as if Elladan had betrayed him, then got up fearfully and ran to Elrohir.  
  
"What happened, Elladan?" Elrohir asked, trying to soothe a thoroughly frightened Estel.  
  
"I just saw Estel hiding over there, and I thought he was running away again," Elladan said, walking over to his brother. "He bit me. I didn't mean to drop him." In his defense Elladan raised his hand, showing Elrohir where pools of blood spouted from a serious of minute tooth marks.  
  
"Estel?" Elrohir asked.  
  
"He hurt me again!" Estel cried, his young mind having formally registered only the outcome. "I wanted to apologize and he hurt me again!"  
  
"Estel, stand here for a minute," Elrohir said, kneeling and setting Estel on the ground. Estel sniveled, but he was not crying. He may have been moments before. "Tell me exactly what happened."  
  
"I was trying to wait until I could talk to Elladan alone, because he was so upset, but when I tried to apologize he dropped me!"  
  
"Estel, Elladan thought you were running away," Elrohir informed him quietly. "He picked you up so you wouldn't, and when you bit him he was no longer capable of holding you. So do you understand how Elladan is not at fault here?"  
  
"I was scared. The last time I talked to him he hit me. I deserved it then, but now I don't. I haven't done anything wrong today," Estel pleaded his case. Elrohir backed up.  
  
"This is between you and Elladan. I'll leave you now, and see you back in Imladris." With that Elrohir turned and strode swiftly away. Estel wanted to bolt but he didn't. Elladan stood oddly.  
  
"I wanted to say sorry for being so dumb and for running away," Estel said, "or maybe just because you were hurt."  
  
"It's all right, Estel. I suppose I partially blamed myself for that, which was why I was so angry," Elladan offered.  
  
"How come you blamed yourself?"  
  
"You don't remember?" Elladan was shocked. He thought for sure Estel had memory of when he was younger, it had been hardly a year ago. . ."I hated you when you were younger. Which was my fault, not yours, but the fact remains. It seemed that when you ran away. . .I felt like you were running away from me. You hid from us, Estel. Why did you do that?"  
  
"I wanted to be better," Estel said. He had not yet fully explained this to Elrond, explaining it to Elladan seemed more proper. "I thought if I were an Elf that everyone would like me better. Legolas says that it's a. . .juvenile nature to believe that perhaps things would be better if you were different."  
  
Elladan laughed. "Well, Legolas is right, but perhaps he should have used easier words for you. Would you like me to explain?" Estel nodded eagerly, thinking that this was what big brothers ought to be like. "When you're little, like you are now, sometimes bad things happen and you think that if you were different--Elven, Dwarvish, red-headed--things would be better."  
  
"Oh! Now I understand! Thanks, Elladan," Estel exclaimed, hugging Elladan in his usual thank-you manner.  
  
"You're welcome," Elladan said, lifting Estel off the ground. "Don't kick me this time, because no matter what you do there is no way I'll let you go!" he joked. Estel giggled.  
  
*****  
  
Elladan was not fully surprised when he was summoned by his father, it really wasn't the first time Elrond had failed to observe their blood relation. Combing his hair Elladan thought about how their "talk" would go. They would discuss Estel, that was for sure, because otherwise Elrond would have yelled at Elladan straight away, not waited until Estel was asleep. What had Elladan done this time. . .he walked down the corridor with a slight bounce in his step, not sure why he was so happy. Knocking on the door to Elrond's study, Elladan quickly got rid of his smile.  
  
"Come in." Elladan did. "Sit down." Elladan did. Both of these things he would rather not have done at all, but he did do them, because, perhaps, some small part of him loved trouble, and searched for it. Perhaps he hated Elrond that much. It was difficult to say. Perhaps, even, it was curiosity. After all, he wasn't sure what he had done wrong this time. "Telling your brother that you use to hate him--" oh, it was that. "--do not roll your eyes at me! What you said to him was completely inappropriate. Estel is a child, and not old enough to understand--"  
  
"Yes he is."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Old enough to understand. He is," Elladan repeated.  
  
"You don't seem to understand what I'm telling you, and I know you don't understand anything about raising a child--"  
  
"And you do?"  
  
Elrond was shocked for a moment into silence. "I raised three children, how many did you raise?"  
  
"And what of the outcome, huh? Are you proud of your children?"  
  
"This is not about that," Elrond said with a calm clearly trying to repress anger. "This is about you telling your brother things he is too young to hear."  
  
"Too young, there's no age! It's a matter of maturity, not of age! Estel is still quite young, yes, but he was old enough to know that. You may say you think he's not old enough, well I think he is!"  
  
"No, Elladan, he is far too young." Elrond was sick of argument. Now it was going to be what he says, goes, no questions asked. "You are not to tell your brother these sorts of things without first consulting me, is that understood?" He had lost his calm façade. His anger was so obvious Elladan wanted to laugh.  
  
"It is far from understood. You cannot coddle him all your life, sooner or later he will have to learn all this!"  
  
"Elladan, you will listen to me--"  
  
As I am your son, blah blah blah, Mother knew better, she knew how to raise a child, I wish Mother were here. Oh, no. I just said that out loud. No, I didn't say it. . .  
  
"What was that?"  
  
In Elladan's position, Elrohir would shake, turn pale, and apologize profusely. Elladan considered this, but the alternative won out, as in his own rage that was all he could manage. "I said I wished Mother were still here!" he shouted. "She would understand, not like you."  
  
Elrond passed rage. His voice was eerily calm when he spoke again, but the calm sort of anger which was the most frightening. "Do not ever use her in your defense like that."  
  
What Elrond was saying was enough that Elladan would have broken his nose, had he been in a fighting mood. As it was, he was only angry. In YOUR defense, Elrond had said. Their mother would never side with him, not about this! "She left all of us, Adar, not just you. Why do you think I hated the stupid little brat? We weren't enough for you but he was!" Elladan slammed open the door and left, tears bathing his face, not listening to Elrond call after him. Anything that nitwit had to say, he didn't want to hear.  
  
Elladan did not go to his own room, instead he went to Elrohir's, knocking urgently on the door. Elrohir answered, confused. Elladan entered the room and shut the door behind him. "What happened?" Elrohir began to ask, but Elladan cut him off.  
  
Drawing back from his kiss, Elladan asked, "Will you go further tonight?" Elrohir was torn. He would lie to say that he had not enjoyed the kiss, that he did not long for the feel of Elladan's flesh against his, but still something inside tugged at him not to. "It's all right if you don't want to."  
  
"No," Elrohir said suddenly. Elladan's face fell, but he tried to hide his disappointment. "I mean, no, I want to," he said. "But I do not know how."  
  
"I know," Elladan replied, then he whispered to Elrohir, as if it were some great secret. When he had finished, Elrohir was still. He couldn't do. . .that, what Elladan had just described to him. He couldn't, it just couldn't happen.  
  
Elrohir pulled away. "I can't do that," he whispered, "I'm sorry, but I can't."  
  
"No, Elrohir, yes you can, it's not like it sounds."  
  
"Well. . .I'm just not sure, Elladan."  
  
"Just try it once, and if you don't like you never have to, ever again, all right?"  
  
"All right."  
  
*****  
  
A soft knocking distracted Elladan. Elrohir, fully clothed on the window sill, was oblivious as he wept, hysterical, rubbing at his skin as if to tear it off. He hadn't know what was going on, but he had liked it. . .and then it had hurt so much. . .  
  
Elladan, standing useless in the corner, went to answer the door. He had tried to console Elrohir, really he had, but as soon as he approached, Elrohir shouted and became violent. Now he heard Legolas's voice calling from outside, saying that Estel was upset and was saying that Elladan hated him. "Is he that upset?" Elladan asked, opening the door.  
  
"He is. I would speak with him but he would not let me. Elladan, he needs you."  
  
Elladan gazed back into Elrohir's room. Elrohir was still crying, but what could Elladan do for him? Nothing was what, he would not have his comfort. If Estel needed him, and he could help him, then it was Estel he would comfort. Elladan stepped out into the hall.  
  
*****  
  
Elrohir felt a great sense of abandonment after that night. He would not go near Elrohir. How could he have left him like that, crying his eyes out? Was that what lovers did? Was that what brothers did? Not that he knew of, no. So what if he did not love women? That did not mean he only loved Elladan. There had to be someone else out there, someone for him. 


	8. You're Gonna Lose That Girl

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any recognizable characters and/places thereof.  
  
Reginabean: Ooh. . .your opinions will definitely not change after this chapter. . .  
  
Darragh Tieraneux: Thanks! Yeah, Elrond is a bit of an antagonist in this story, but I was looking at the way he reacted to Arwen and Aragorn's relationship before I started writing, and he seems to really disapprove of it, so I thought perhaps any unorthodox relationship. . .no, not abandoned, just writers' block.  
  
TrinityC: Thank you. That really means a lot, because I personally have never been in love so am trying to be as delicate as I can meddling in such things.  
  
Estelle Yavetil: Thanks.  
  
*****  
  
Six years passed. Elladan and Elrohir spoke little of their unusual relationship, Elrohir still nervous and Elladan no less persistent than ever. A few times Elladan tried to seduce Elrohir, but these decisions were not well made: Elrohir would come close to returning to Elladan, then at the other's force would be deterred.  
  
Maybe, Elrohir resolved at last, I should find someone else, someone who will not mind that I am so timid. If Elladan cannot respect my shy nature, then perhaps he is not as good a friend, or a lover, as I fooled myself into believing.  
  
As Elrohir walked along thinking these things, he rounded a corner and stopped. Elladan stood before him, no ploys showing, but clearly having something in mind. His eyes gleamed with some sort of plan. "All right, Elrohir," Elladan said, "I know your game. I know that you make me wait so that I will want you more. Unfortunately, it works. Are you pleased now? I want you more than anything."  
  
"This was hardly my intention," Elrohir scoffed.  
  
"Fine. Deny it. See if I care. But first. . ." Elladan, for once, was speechless. He leaned forward and kissed Elrohir, savoring each moment as if it were his first kiss and his last. Elrohir was filled with love and hate for his brother, hate for forcing him to feel these things he wished he did not feel, and love, because he could not stop himself from feeling it. Before he knew what he was doing Elrohir leaned into the kiss.  
  
There was a sound of a door shutting, and at once the boys drew apart. "If it's Ada. . ." Elrohir said.  
  
"I do not care," Elladan replied, and Elrohir found that neither did he as they kissed again and rapture overtook caution or logic. However there was a factor both boys had forgotten. The sound of a number of books falling to the floor distracted them, and they turned to see a thunderstruck young mortal staring at them. "Estel. . ." Elladan began, but he turned and ran.  
  
"One of us should go to him," Elrohir said as Elladan attempted to resume their prior activities. "Elladan, no."  
  
"Which of us is it, Elrohir? Which brother would you have?" Elladan demanded.  
  
"You child," Elrohir said spitefully. "You stupid child. I loved you. I did love you, once. I care not if Estel loves me another way. I am going to go to him now. He needs me. You need a whore." With these cold, harsh words Elrohir turned and strode down the corridor, out into the sun. Somehow, he felt liberated.  
  
"Elrohir." Oh, no. Elrohir knew just from Lord Elrond's tone that he was in trouble. "What have you done to your brother? He is hysterical!"  
  
"Nothing, he just. . .he saw something that frightened him is all," Elrohir replied.  
  
"You mean to tell me that you allowed him to see--"  
  
"He saw us kiss, all right? And you can be as angry as you like, but that really is not going to help Estel!" Elrohir exclaimed. He was tired, he realized, of trying to please everyone. He had had it with his father's unspoken demands of behaviour and belief, of his brother's lust. Instead of waiting for Elrond to reply Elrohir pushed past his father and heading in the direction of Estel's footprints.  
  
Estel was sitting in the dirt by the side of a river. His reflection stared back at him, obscured by the occasional tear. He had felt something strange earlier that day, something he had never felt before. It had been about a female, one he had known long but had never had such emotions towards. Yet when he saw his brothers kissing, he knew something that disturbed him greatly. The feeling evoked in him was similar to what he had felt for the girl, but clearly, stronger--truer.  
  
"Estel?" A second reflection appeared in the water, a taller being with raven hair, grey eyes, and pointed ears. Elrohir could see that Estel's eyes met those of his reflection. "Are you all right?" Elrohir asked, sitting beside his brother. "I do hope you are not too upset. What you saw Elladan and I doing--"  
  
"I know. I felt that way about a girl today," Estel replied. He did not add how all the others had laughed at him, how they had called him names he did not even understand. "But about you it was stronger," he added softly, trailing his fingers in the dirt.  
  
"It is all right to love a woman, but it is also not wrong to love another male," Elrohir replied. "I know you are young, but do you understand?"  
  
"Of course I do," Estel replied. "But Elladan is your kin."  
  
"Yes, yes he is."  
  
"Is that. . .all right?"  
  
"Estel," Elrohir began, staring into the waters of the river. "Love is a funny thing. We cannot choose who we love or who loves us. In truth such powerful emotions control us, we do not control them. So every love is right, if it is true."  
  
"How do you know if it is true?"  
  
"You take one moment," Elrohir replied, "and in that moment you see your life."  
  
"What do you mean?" Estel asked. His life was short, but to him had seemed long. It could not be summed up in one moment!  
  
"I mean. . ." Elrohir gently lifted a hand to the young mortal's face, caressing his cheek as he ignited the flames of passion bred of one single kiss.  
  
Behind the two, Elladan stood angrily. He had taught Elrohir how to love. He had taught Elrohir everything! What right had that spiteful Elf to go off and use that knowledge elsewhere? Elladan was furious beyond anger. He wanted to hurt them both. This was a feeling he had not felt for anyone before, save his father, this want for emotional destruction. A slow smile crept onto Elladan's face as an idea came to him. 


End file.
